Husbands, keep a close eye on your wives. Fathers, keep your daughters locked up at home. Women considering buttock augmentation, think twice before adding a little junk to your trunk. There is a serial buttock groper on the loose, and you may be his next victim if you are not careful.
Well, you may be his next victim if you live in Denver. For those of you who live elsewhere, you are probably safe to sign up for that Brazilian Butt Lift you’ve always wanted.
Here are the details on our perpetrator:
- Latino male in his 20s
- Heavyset
- Bald
- Approximately 6 feet tall
- Believed to drive a dark-color Nissan Altima or Maxima with shiny rims and tinted windows (not sure how this information is relevant since he is probably on foot when groping victims)
The police have also released the following sketch of our dirty buttock groper:
So far, he has been involved in five buttock groping attacks in the past month. In each one, he approached a woman from behind, grabbed her butt and ran away. There are no reports of physical injuries to the groping victims, although I’m sure they are psychologically scarred for life.
There is currently a $2,000 reward for anyone who provides information that breaks the case wide open. Apparently, the local Denver police are struggling to find a fat, bald Latino butt groper. I find that funny since there probably aren’t too many people who fit that description in the area.
The Charles Manson of Serial Butt Groping?
I’m just wondering why this guy decided on butt groping as his crime of choice. It seems like something silly to become known for. I suppose it is much less harmless than being a serial killer, so in a sense it is better for everyone involved. Who knows, maybe someday this guy will become the Charles Manson of serial butt groping. That would be an unusual claim to fame.
I wonder if this man has a heightened sensitivity to the female derriere. And by that, I mean I wonder if he can pick out a real butt from a fake butt when he cops a feel and runs away. Does he say, “That one’s got buttock implants, and they’re too firm,” or “Aw yeah! She’s au naturale.” If we lined up 10 female butts in front of this guy, do you think he could pick out the one that has undergone buttock augmentation? Now that would be a talent, albeit a rather worthless one.
So let this be a warning to all you women in Denver. If you see a bald, fat Latino guy sneaking up behind you, cover your butt before you become victim #6. Otherwise you may wake up in a cold sweat from creepy butt groping nightmares for the next few months. And that would be truly tragic.
If you live in the Denver, Colorado area and still want to go through with buttock augmentation knowing this serial butt groper is on the loose, please contact Grossman Plastic Surgery today to schedule your initial consultation. Dr. Grossman and Dr. Capraro will make sure you end up with a butt that only a groper could love.
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